


007 Fest Limericks

by Castillon02



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: F/F, Gen, Limericks, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-11-22 10:28:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 1,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11378325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castillon02/pseuds/Castillon02
Summary: Cheeky little poems celebrating our favorite Bond characters.





	1. Let me (00Q)

**Author's Note:**

> I posted these for 007 Fest, and am archiving them here for completeness. Hope you enjoy them! <3

“Let me,” murmured Bond, kneeling down. 

“I think that I’d like to go down, 

On a mouthful like that,

So sweet and so fat.”

He kissed it and then went to town.


	2. True Love (of Caffeine) (00Q)

Now Bond can’t say he drinks tea

Vile brew that he thinks it to be

But next time at Tesco’s

In the basket the Grey goes

So Q can wake up to some tea.  

***

Now coffee for Q held least favor

Of drinks with caffeine as a flavor

But Bond liked the stuff

So Q with a huff

Bought beans for his agent to savor.  

***


	3. A woman named M

There once was a woman named M,

Who people were quick to condemn.

Said M, “Go away,

Come back on the day 

YOU can manage double-oh mayhem.”


	4. (Ms.) Eve Moneypenny

Now ‘Penny’ no one dared to say

And ‘Eve’ was for fieldwork or play

But those with respect

Knew they mightn’t get decked

If the ‘Ms.’ just so happened to stray.

***


	5. MoneyTanner on Vacay

When Eve and Bill went on vacay,

Said Bill, “There’s flights to Rome or Bombay?”

“Or we could stay here,”

Said Eve with good cheer,

“Sleep in and then have sex all day.”

*** 

 **Eve/Bill headcanon:** After all her traveling as an agent, Eve tends to feel ‘on duty’ in foreign countries, so she loves spending a nice quiet vacation at home with the person she loves. If all the sleeping and sexing get boring, there are always new places to explore in London or in the rest of the UK. 

A lot of the time they take a day trip to a new golf course Bill wants to try out and Eve has a spa day, treating herself to some much-deserved pampering while Bill is on the green. Or Eve finds a new hiking trail she wants to muddy herself on and Bill says, “Have a nice time, dear,” and meanwhile takes a leisurely walk through the nearest village, sampling the local cafes and pubs, gossiping with the locals, and finding somewhere pleasant where he can hole up and read a nice thick biography.   

Also, unless she and Bill are going someplace Fancy™, Eve leaves her high heels in the closet for the entirety of her time off. 


	6. Bill Tanner gets cheese bribes

Said Tanner, “I really like cheese,

So bribe me with that if you please.

A nice wheel of Brie

Or Welsh Y Fenni

And my wrath you’ll be sure to appease.”

***

Headcanon: Tanner might even make a case on your behalf to M, but if you’re going to ask him to do that you had better come prepared with the right amount of dairy. 

The gourmet cheese shop closest to Vauxhall sees a surprising amount of business from Six employees, and they eventually start stocking “party-size” bags since there seems to be an occasional demand for them. Tanner hasn’t had to go there himself in years. 

Bond sometimes brings back a particularly nice cheese from abroad for Tanner, not bc he wants a favor but just as a gesture of friendship/apology for the usual mission-related chaos. Once Bond’s recovered from any injuries, he and Tanner have a golfing date and relax with a do-it-yourself cheese board afterward. Bond brings the cheese and the alcohol, Tanner brings whatever fruits/veg/bread/crackers/spread/etc that he thinks will go well with Bond’s selection, and they have a nice feed and a gossip together. 


	7. Q's hung

Q dropped trou. “My god, what a beast,”

Said Bond, with his eyes on the feast.

“Now that’s a real cock,

But can it walk the walk?”  

Said Q, “A light jog at the least.”


	8. A comparison (00Q)

Now Bond thought he had a big cock.

Said Q, “You’re all bluster and talk.”

They went to the loo

To compare the two

And see who would be cock of the walk.

* * *

(A ruler is what Q pulled out.

“Oh,  _numbers_ ,” said Bond with a pout. 

“Now, Q, you’re no fun. 

The way this should be done

Is fucking, not faffing about.”)


	9. Bill Tanner: the sturdiest Hufflepuff

Now Tanner had skills and good form

Worked hard and his manner was warm

But best of his dues

He delivered bad news

And weathered M’s storms as a norm.


	10. Impress (Moneyswann)

Now Eve was on a quest to impress;

She wore her best heels and best dress.

And Maddy’s breath caught

In her lungs as she sought

For words that were more than “Hell yes.”  


	11. 00Q00

Said Alec, “Now, Bond, it’s our chance,

“Let’s ask that cute boffin to dance.

We play our cards right,

We’ll have him tonight

And see what Q’s like without pants.”


	12. MI6 Squad Pub Night

Said M, “Not to sound like an ass,

“But we can’t let those fools from Five pass 

Through our pub quiz night

Without a real fight!

I’ll buy drinks if we beat them en masse.”

***

Said Bill, with a crack of his neck,

“I’m sure we can put Five in check.” 

He made up a crew

With Eve, Bond, and Q;

They taught Five what it meant to get wrecked.


	13. 00Q Spy-for-Hire AU

There once were two different spies

Who sowed international lies.

Said the dark to the fair,

“We’d make a good pair,

I’ll hack and you see to who dies.”


	14. M versus C

Said M, “Why did I take this job?

The PM and C are both knobs.

But if C’s a rat,

I can take care of that–

Splat! Now back to doing my job.”  


	15. The Bet (00Q)

A man named Q had to get laid

And prove neither boring nor staid.

Said Bond of Eve’s bet,

“Let’s pretend we’ve just met, 

Some role play will get us both paid.”


	16. Q in Spectre

Said Q, “This is not what I planned.

I said I would give you a hand,

Not go against M,

Meet you and your femme

And give in to every demand.”  


	17. MI6 OC: Tim from Accounting

Said Tim, “Now the problem with Bond

“Of which I am not very fond: 

You think he’s been killed,

The funeral’s billed–

When really he’s somehow respawned.”

***

Said Bond, “Back from death’s such a chore;

“It leaves people ruffled and sore.

The first stop is Tim

To soothe things with him,

At least sex with Tim’s not a bore.”  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Tim Kang, the actor who plays Cho from The Mentalist, is my dream fancast for Tim the overworked and surprisingly buff accountant who lets Bond seduce him into being less grumpy about all of Bond’s death-related expenses. And I named the OC before realizing that the actor actually IS named Tim, oops.


	18. Beguiled (MoneySwann)

“Miss Swann, why not leave?” questioned Eve.

“You’ve certainly earned the reprieve.”

Said Swann with a smile,

“I’ve been quite beguiled

By a woman who answers to ‘Eve.’

 


	19. Q's cute little peen (00Q)

Q’s cock was a cute little peen,

Thought Bond when he saw the thing.

Q gave him a grin,

And said, “Let’s begin;

“I’ll show you that size isn’t king.” 


	20. Evil queen of numbers (dench!M)

“They call me evil queen of numbers, 

Say I’m a bitch not encumbered

With grace, heart, or style,

Just maths and some guile–

But such whinging bores me to slumber.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No rules of meter can contain dench!M, haha.


	21. Bill needs more love

There once was a man they called Bill,

At least when they had some goodwill.

But when things went astray,

The Bill went away,

“Fix it, Tanner,” they said to poor Bill.


	22. QSilva

Huffed Q, “Now look here, we’re done.”

Said Raoul, “We’ve only begun.

You thought you could leave,

But I’ve tricks up my sleeve,

And trust me, they’ll be lots of fun.”  


	23. New Motto (00Q)

There once was a stolen Branch car. 

 Said Q, “Now that’s going too far.”

When Bond took the auto

Q found a new motto,

“Put palmprint ID in the car.”


	24. Mr. Bond (00Q)

There once was a spy named Bond

Who said, “I’m surprisingly fond

Of that speccy git 

With less dress sense than wit–

I hope he’ll marry me and be Mr. Bond.” 


	25. No need to be shy (00Penny)

Said Eve, “There’s no need to be shy.

Not my first time shaving a guy.

But stay really still

While I get these molehills

And this thing dangling down by your thigh.”


	26. Stuck

There once was a new double-oh

Who tried to escape out a window 

Only to stop

And wriggle and flop

For his glutes had got stuck in the window.


	27. Something brought back (00Q)

“See here, I’ve brought something back,” 

Said Bond, holding up his rucksack.  

Q expected a shipment 

Of Bond’s mission equipment 

But Bond gave him a tourist knickknack. 


	28. 007 and 006 (00Q00)

There once were two spies from Six

Who broke equipment that Q had to fix.

Said Q in despair,

“This can’t be repaired,

So fuck you, Double-Oh Seven and Six.”

***

“It’s working,” said Alec to James.

“If eyes burned, then we’d be aflame.” 

“Angry sex, ahoy,” 

Said James with smug joy.

But Q, he was wise to their game.


	29. PWP Poetry

A man and his boyfriend named Q

Were bored and not sure what to do.

“What about docking? 

Your cock with mine interlocking?”

“It’s nice, but let’s do something new.” 

***

“Let’s try some role play, that’s good fun,”

Said Bond. “Now what haven’t we done?”

“You’ve hooked and you’ve fire-fought, 

Been a star and a robber caught.

No,” Q said, “I’m played-out, I’m role-done.”

***

“Orgasm denial?” asked Bond. 

“You know that I’m always quite fond

of–” “’Blah, please, my cock’” 

Said Q. “Got to balk, 

“We’re trying for novel here, Bond.” 

***

“Suggestions, then, genius?” Bond asked.

“I have something up to the task,”

Q said, almost coy,

And pulled out a toy.

Said Bond, “Now the truth is unmasked!” 

***

“Ulterior motive, I see,” 

Said Bond. “Now what  _could_  this toy be? 

“A plug or vibrator? 

“A cock stimulator?”  

Q smiled. “You’ll like it,” he said. “Guaranteed.” 


End file.
